I would like to see the following stipulation added to my future prenup:
“ And should either party feel the need to start looking outside the union for sexual gratification, a discussion regarding the future of the relationship is required PRIOR to any actions taken. In the event that either party engages in sexual contact with another person without having the aforementioned discussion, that party will be subject to a permanent physical alteration. “
In short, I want it in writing that if I get married and he cheats on me then he’ll be castrated.
I know this sounds extreme but hear me out.
I’ve been doing a lot of research on relationships over the years and I have discovered more UNHAPPY marriages than happy ones. Truthfully, I can count on both hands how many truly happy and successful couples I know – and still have fingers left over.
I have spoken to newlyweds, high school sweethearts, elderly couples with great grandchildren… couples who have met online, couples who have only ever dated each other and friends who simply decided to get married. I know women who married men just to have children and I know men who married women just because they were tired of being single. I know WAY too many people who got married because it’s what was expected of them – the Way Of Life explained to them from birth.
What I’ve determined is this: learn yourself before you decide to join forces with someone else.
There’s a catch there. Because the whole point of being IN a relationship is to have someone to grow with, to have that person with you to experience life – right? But too many people seem to be rushing the part where they grow alone and experience parts of life on their own FIRST.
I have come across a few people who are so focused on having someone in their lives they honestly don’t believe they’re living a full life without a partner. That they’re not okay unless they have a mate. It breaks my heart a little but mostly it baffles me.
I grew up with the fairy tales, I sang the ballads, I swooned when Jerry Maguire uttered the immortal words… but those words are hold so much power! It’s a beautiful sentiment but somewhere along the line people began treating it like one of the Ten Commandments. “Thou completists me,”
Here’s where I have to explain myself because I know three people right now who are ready to argue with me. I am saying exactly this; I believe finding the perfect person, finding The One, is amazing and wonderful and I’m fully in favour of it. I think that special someone can compliment you in ways that can make you want to be a better person, they can inspire you to become the best you possible and they can round you out beautifully. But if you’re looking for them to COMPLETE you as a person, that’s not fair. To either of you.
By all accounts, the Mona Lisa is a masterpiece and 100% complete regardless of the frame you put around her. That being said, finding the RIGHT frame highlights her best features and enhances the artwork.
I love the romance of the language but I don’t like how many people truly believe they’re incomplete without someone else.
The pressure of being the piece that completes the puzzle… think of how overwhelming and completely unfair that is, to bear the responsibility of someone else’s happiness. What would happen to that person if anything ever happened to YOU? Or if you simply grew apart and had to separate? Your partner could contract amoebic dysentery, or develop a sudden interest in polygamy that doesn’t include you or, God forbid, become a Flyers fan… the possibilities for justifiable dissolution of a union are literally endless!
Not everyone is designed to be strictly monogamous and that’s something too many people in relationships don’t acknowledge about themselves. That’s something easily and better recognized when you’re NOT ALREADY IN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP.
The point is, you (yes, YOU) can be completely, 100% A-OKAY on your own without compromising any part of yourself.
Whoa, whoa, hang on – I think EVERY relationship requires compromise and compassion and, above all else – communication, but when you find yourself changing everything about you to please someone else, there’s a problem.
If you’re trying to fit the monogamy shoe onto a Casanova’s foot, they’re gonna get blisters. And then resentment and bitterness takes root. Taking the time to learn that you’d rather not wear those shoes is a better practice than developing gangrene from the infection that inevitably develops because you think you shouldn’t be alone – or barefoot, as it were.
I know several happy couples. I just know more UNHAPPY ones. And I can’t help but wonder, why didn’t they just try to enjoy being themselves first?
I stopped dating several years ago and am currently single (I know right? Big shocker) but let me explain why.
I recognized that my self esteem was too low to be in a safe, mutually beneficial partnership. I used to joke that I kept falling for the same guy he just had a different name each time. These guys didn’t know each oth… wait, okay, maybe one or two of them knew each other, but for the most part they were complete strangers and there was no possible way they could have conspired against me.The common denominator was me. So what was I doing that turned each person in my world into a bad match?
Short answer? I was undervaluing my worth.
Twice in my life I’ve actually said, “thank you for being with me.” I genuinely believed that I owed gratitude to men wanting to be with me. That I was so worthless, so unappealing, such a waste of space that I didn’t deserve to be appreciated or cared about or respected.
Take a second. Just imagine how fucking dangerous that line of thinking is. Imagine thinking so little of yourself that you would leave yourself vulnerable to all kinds of abuse because you also think that to become a completely whole, happy person you NEED to be in a relationship. Because that’s what we’re often conditioned to believe.
Wait, I’ve sidetracked a little bit. This post isn’t about my depression or my shitty self-worth, it’s about how many people I see who are sacrificing too much of themselves because they want so, so badly to have the Hallmark Christmas ending.
I bet you’re expecting me to say there’s no such thing as the Happily Ever After™️ – you’re dead wrong. Above all else, I am an eternal optimist. Of course I believe in the ultimate Disney conclusion to all things romance – hell, I still believe in Santa! But I don’t believe in being with someone until you’re comfortable being with yourself. I don’t believe in expecting someone else to make you a better person. I don’t believe in expecting someone else to make you happy. I don’t even believe in expecting someone else to make you a fucking sandwich. Those are things you can and should learn how to do for yourself. You deserve to live a great life and be happy and eat sandwiches even when you’re single. And just think how much MORE awesome things could be if you find someone who inspires you to want to become an even better person or find greater happiness? If your cup is full and their cup is full you can overflow with awesomenes when you add to each other. If one of you always needs to be completed by the other, you’ll never both be full at the same time.
Okay, this analogy got away from me. Ultimately I’m just trying to say, if you believe in yourself, love yourself, and make yourself happy you can be just as happy or happier as your mated friends, relatives and even the complete strangers who give you That Look when you say you’re single. Plus, you’re going to be one hell of a catch if you happen to find your lobster. And if they’re as self aware as you are and know themselves as well as you’ve learned yourself, your ever after is in the bag, baby.
Don’t rush into sandwich making – let them make you one if it comes up.
But if they cut it on the diagonal, lock that shit down. That’s a keeper for sure.
Shit. Now I’m hungry. Dammit, trust my imagery to sabotage my diet.
“…Stand a little taller, doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone,” – Kelly Clarkson