Who turned on the heat?
No, seriously… one minute it was winter and the next minute I woke up naked. (I stripped in the middle of the night because it was so hot – nothing sexy to report this post, sorry gang)
I’m a winter loving kind of gal but there are some parts of the summer I always look forward to like, wearing dresses, day drinking on a sunny patio… actually, that’s about it really. I don’t have access to a pool or the list would be longer.
But along with the endless days and ice cream trucks and trips to the beach there is one thing I can’t escape with the arrival of summer.
OMFG! I CAN’T TAKE THE HEAT!
Look, I get it, I live in Vancouver, it’s not exactly on the equator, blah blah yeah okay. I openly acknowledge there are hotter places to live in the world and it’s not like we’re on a tropical island or anything but unless I’m on vacation and my sole purpose is to drink and look cute on a lounger, I can’t take the heat.
The problem is, I’m a sweater.
By which I mean, I sweat a lot, not that I’m a cardigan.
There’s a weird combination of my medications and general existence that causes me to perspire to an excessive degree. Like, an extreme degree. Sometimes my earlobes sweat while I’m standing in line to pay at the grocery store. I’m sure there’s a doctor in the house who could tell me exactly what is causing me to sweat through my clothes but so far, it’s a mystery. Although I’m pretty sure it has something to do with someone I screwed over in a past life. Karma is a patient bitch, yo.
Bearing this in mind… warmer temperatures are NOT FOR ME right now.
There’s nothing dignified about having sweaty boobs – or as I call them “swoobs”. Or having to check the seat every time you stand up to see if you left an imprint because the backs of your legs are damp.
I tell people all the time, “yeah, I overheat like crazy and sweat a lot.” And more often than not I hear “oh my God, so do I!” But inevitably I’ll be sitting there mopping my forehead and those same people end up totally shocked and bring it to my attention. As if I didn’t notice the shirt I arrived in is now a completely different colour thanks to my entire body trying to expel every ounce of moisture all at once.
It’s mortifying! I was at a costume fitting for a role I had booked and I was a sweaty, frustrated mess – completely humiliated – until one of the wardrobe assistants kindly let me know that the same thing happens to her. I felt a little better though I was petrified about what was going to happen on set under all of the lights on camera.
When cameras were rolling a few weeks later, I was completely charmed by an AD who appeared out of nowhere with a personal fan that I was able to wear between takes. She had picked it up for herself but instead made sure it was in my trailer the second day I was there. I could have hugged her for days.
Never once did she crack a joke about menopause – which was my biggest fear while trying to shop fertility clinics (unfounded, I’m NOT menopausal) – she just accepted it and offered a small bit of relief. And that made the rest of my time on set so less daunting.
Because there’s no way to disguise sweaty armpits ( “swits” ) in high definition. There’s not much you can do aside from apologize when someone hugs you and they get their arms around your excessively dewy back ( “swack” ) and it never hurts to say a prayer once in a while lest you end up in some kind of situation where others learn what the terms “swass” or “swussy” mean.
Humidity is the enemy, my friends.
So if you visit my home and realize that your teeth are chattering because of the air conditioning, feel free to borrow a hoodie or wrap up in a blanket – I have several of each. Just don’t expect me to turn the cool air down.
People who are too cold can always add layers to warm up. There’s only so many I can take off before it gets weird.
No one wants that. Believe me, I’d shower with clothes on if I could.
Besides, being naked doesn’t stop the sweating. It just decreases the amount of laundry I have to do.
“It’s getting hot in herre… so take off all your clothes,
I am getting so hot, I wanna take my clothes off…” ~ Nelly