Today I’m sad.
It’s a beautiful sunny day outside and I could (should) have gone for a walk at the park with Mom and Pie but I’m exhausted.
And I’m afraid.
I used to wonder how people became agoraphobic. Like, how in the world did someone simply become afraid to leave their home? Did it just happen overnight? One day they woke up and just decided, “Nope.”
I’m not agoraphobic. But I recognize that I could be, very easily.
I’ve always been a homebody. I enjoyed going out and doing things but I really loved being at home.
I don’t like going out anymore. I don’t like talking to people or having them see me. I feel like I say the wrong things all the time. And I know I look terrible.
I used to be able to disguise how bad I looked, I used to be able to hide stuff. I can’t do that anymore. It’s too obvious now. I was never going to be truly beautiful but I could get by, I could fake stuff with makeup and lighting and angles.
I went to an event a few weeks ago and thought I did a halfway decent job with disguising myself as passable. But I saw the photos.
I should have stayed inside.
There’s a lot negativity in my head today. And I KNOW better than to let it take over but sometimes I’m just tired of the effort it takes to keep thinking that everything is going to be okay.
It’s ridiculous to mourn things that haven’t happened yet, that might not even happen at all. But I also need to prepare myself for unhappy outcomes. Talk about a mess.
This baby thing… it’s truly the only thing I’ve ever wanted. To be a mother. To have a child. And I have to accept the fact that it might not happen. And that hurts so much.
We’re juggling all of the finances just to scrape the bare minimum together for another try. It will take a couple of months but by then everything medically should have been approved for the best possible chance of conception. And if it doesn’t work – the doctors think I should try IVF instead. And there is no chance in hell of me being able to afford that before it’s too late to even bother.
And I hate myself for that. If I had been smarter or more successful or able to handle life better, I could do it. If I had been able to manage like everyone else, if I could cope properly, if I could still work properly, if I could be anyone other than me – I’d have what I want.
Which is the ultimate failure. How do you treat yourself with compassion and care when it’s YOUR fault that you are the way you are? How do you look at other people and NOT compare their successes with your humiliation?
How do you keep trying when it feels like you’re being punished?
It’s strange that I have a stronger belief in God when I’m feeling at my worst. Not that some divine being is going to save me but that I’m paying for previous sins. That whoever might be in charge is pissed at me for my shortcomings.
Really, who the hell am I to think I could raise a child? I obviously can’t take care of myself.
I can’t even go outside.
I’m fine. This isn’t a cry for help or attention or me fishing for compliments. It’s just how I’m feeling today. Some days are hard. Someone I know online said it’s okay not to be okay. I like to think that she and I would be good friends in real life because she understands that some days are just shit. And, today, I’m having a rough one. I’ll probably be better later or even tomorrow. I’ll do my part, monitor my thoughts and put my plan into place if I can’t shake this low mood. But I needed to write this down. That same online someone said that writing is good therapy. It is. Sometimes it can help other people to know they’re not alone feeling bad or angry or frustrated or helpless or guilty or hopeless or ashamed or afraid or sad.
Talking about it helps.
Just think, if you’re bitten by a nasty snake, that toxin is going to wreak havoc on your body and cause you nothing but pain until you possibly die. But if you’re able to expel some of the venom and get it OUT of you… you just might have a chance to keep going without the same level of hurt.
“Good morning heartache, here we go again,
Good morning heartache, you’re the one who knows me well
Might as well get used to you hanging around,
Good morning heartache…. sit down.” ~ Billie Holiday