Jealous Guy

Confession: I’m not feeling so great about Project Baby right now.  

I am still 100% ready to go – I’m just feeling less confident that anything is going to happen.  Everything is on hold because of this heart thing and the more time that passes without trying, the more anxious I’m getting.  It just feels as though it’s NEVER going to happen.  And everywhere around me are babies. 

One of my closest friends gave birth two weeks ago and I was so, so worried that I was going to be upset when the baby arrived.  There were moments during her pregnancy that were hard for me, so many times I wanted to scream because I wanted it to be ME that was having a baby, I wanted it to be MY turn.  I couldn’t understand why she didn’t enjoy being pregnant, why she couldn’t see how badly I wanted to trade places with her – every moment of morning sickness or back pain… all of it. 

But he was born, and he is beautiful and I love him.  I was concerned that I would be too jealous to feel happy for her but I am genuinely happy for her.  And I’m so excited to be part of his life.  I’m just really, really worried that this is as close as I’ll ever get to having what I want.  That I’ll always be Autine Shanny and that I’ll never know what it feels like to have a little one of my own.  That this is it for me. 

I’ve done all the research, I’ve made the lists and the plans and worked out my limited finances and I’ve tried to prepare myself for whatever may be required for me to carry a baby to term. 

I guess this week I’m just having a hard time imagining how I’ll handle never becoming pregnant.  That’s where my head is right now, I just don’t feel confident that this is ever going to happen.  At all. 

Ugh.  I need a positivity infusion.  

I also need to stop watching those damned baby shows on TLC.  I mean, come ON.  Who the hell goes into labor and delivers a baby and THEN sends the baby daddy out to buy a bassinet and the other necessities?  Y’all KNEW you were pregnant.  You had NINE MONTHS to prepare for this.  Get your shit together, people!  Meanwhile I can’t stop doing stroller and car seat and formula comparisons.  

Bitter, party of one – right here. 

“.. I was dreaming of the past and my heart was beating fast, I began to lose control…”  ~ John Lennon

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