Where Does My Heart Beat Now?

Let’s just take a moment to appreciate how appropriate it is to have a heart procedure on Valentines Day.  Eh? Ehhhh? Perfect, right?

Whoop whoop! I had my much awaited, highly anticipated cardiac ablation two weeks ago and it went great! Already I’m feeling better than before, the exhaustion still lingers but the shortness of breath I was experiencing has almost disappeared. Success!!

That being said, I’m going to share the highlights of my experience because in the off chance someone is out there hoping to know “okay, but what is it really like?”, I’m here to tell it all.

First in line! Whoop!

Selfies in the waiting room mean no smiles.

Allow me to start by saying, if you’re not comfortable with complete strangers seeing you naked from the waist up, then the waist down and then the waist up again and then from behind… well, you’re gonna have to suck it up. Like, STAT.

I’ve had a lot of daycare surgery and a bunch of spread ’em procedures of late and somehow I really wasn’t expecting SO much of my naked self to be, um, on display for this round.

I’m the girl who wears two hospital gowns, one open to the back and then one over top, open to the front – no chance of anyone seeing even a glimpse of my booty.

Ha. Yeah, about that.

I have to give HUGE props to the incredible team in the cardiac ward at Royal Columbian Hospital.  Not only were they super efficient, they handled my anxiety fueled inappropriate humor like the pros they are. Everyone was engaging and helpful and so, so kind.

Because of their amazing and easygoing attitudes, I was less concerned about everyone seeing me buck ass nekkid and more interested in getting all of their names right.

Howerver, there were some awkward moments.  Like when they had to shave me prior to the procedure. As the site was going to be at my groin this meant I was going to get my very own spa treatment via disposable electric razor and something called “the glove”. The glove is something like a small oven mitt made of fly paper that is used to collect the shaved hair. It’s… exactly as embarrassing as it sounds.  Especially when it’s snowing outside and you realize that you need to apologize since it’s been so long since the summer.  Which I did.

I realized right about the time one of the people clustered around me called out, “We’re gonna need another glove here!” that 1) I obviously did a super shitty job of my own prep and 2) my parents were hearing every single thing happening since they were in the room on the other side of the curtain.

Or that time when I had to hop onto the operating table thing but they had to hold the back of my gown wide open so it wasn’t under me.  And why is that table so effing tall even WITH a stool to ‘help’? There is no graceful way to do that when you weigh more than you should. Especially with an audience.

Yeah. So. That happened.

But once I was all hooked up to my IV, had my blood work, ECG and my cootchie slapped a few times with fly paper – I was good to go!

Maybe it’s weird but I was more anxious and freaked out about having the local anesthetic and stuff inserted into my leg than I was about having them burn stuff in my heart. So the anesthetist (who was part of my super fantastic cath lab team!) was able to doze me out so that I was completely unaware of anything until they were already in my heart and doing stuff.

For anyone going to be having this procedure, it doesn’t hurt. It feels super uncomfortable but it doesn’t hurt at all. It feels warm and like pressure but there’s no actual pain. Which is great!

Buy the time everything was said and done the only thing that hurt was my pride since I’m pretty sure every person working on the ward saw my nude self and I still left without a valentine.

Oh. And my leg. That shit hurt. But I’m all better now and my heart will go on!

“I feel it getting stronger and stronger and stronger. And I feel it inside, hearts are made to last ’till the end of time,”  Le sigh, Celine Dion. Le sigh.